it's still wednesday to me

right, so, i weighed myself this (meaning wednesday) morning and it wasn't good. it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be though. i honestly expected to weigh 66 kilos. i weighed 64.5kg. not great but it could be much worse.

the diamond ring challenge is proving to be much more difficult than i thought. losing weight aside, it's really difficult to find a ring! i went to the trafford centre last night (meaning tuesday) and looked at all the diamond rings in every jewellery shop. i looked at prices first - the budget is £150 and the rings that were around that sum were just awful. well, ok, they weren't awful, i just didn't like any of them. i want something either really nice and simple, one tiny little stone inside - not above - the ring but i've only found that in titanium and i really want white gold, or i found this one which i quite like. i'm not sure about buying online though, cause a ring might look nice on the picture but what if it doesn't look nice on the finger? i've also looked on ebay but i'm scared to buy a diamond ring there because how do i know it's really a diamond... so bah!

i hope my personal trainer will come back from her holiday soon!

a diamond ring

i fucked up. my lovely chinese meal turned into a five day long binge. i had crisps, tuc crackers, chocolate spread, pancakes, pizza, garlic bread... i don't even want to see the scales tomorrow. but i will, of course.

so we talked with mark for a bit, i expressed my dissatisfaction with the weight coming off so slowly when i'm really being good, he said it pisses him off that i do so well for two or three weeks and then fuck up really bad. i suggested i only drink orange juice from now on - i like orange juice and it would make me lose weight quick. mark didn't like the idea. so in the end, we devised a new system (new to us, not like new ever) of classifying foods.
there are three categories - green, orange, red and they work like the traffic lights. green foods are vegetables, fruit, juices and i can have as many as i like. orange foods are for example bread, pasta, breakfast cereal, nuts, seeds etc. and these are also important but shouldn't be eaten 5 times a day. the red foods are foods like crisps, chocolate, biscuits, cake, chinese, pizza and so on and i need to think twice before i eat them. i'm not restricting myself by numbers of portions of foods i can eat a day. i want to train myself into thinking - this is good, go ahead, eat it! or do you really want this, you've had a red food yesterday.

then i decided i wanted a diamond ring. i've never had a diamond ring ever. to mark's relief, i don't like big diamonds, i think they look cheap even though i know they're not. like, majority of dolce and gabana stuff. so we made a deal - if i manage to be good until the end of september starting today, i'll get a diamond ring. not an expensive one, but a diamond ring nonetheless. i think the best course of action for me would be to find a ring that i really like, so that i have it in my head when i want to give up.

weigh in day tomorrow - i so don't want it to happen.

oh oh

i was being good all day but i'm craving salty foods now. i've asked mark to get me crisps and tuc crackers. i'm annoyed but i desperately need them. i've tried drinking juice instead and had a bit of quorn roast but they're not doing the job. so, i'll have the crackers and crisps and i'll satisfy my cravings and start fresh tomorrow.

this is pissing me off because i've done this before and it always led to a week long (sometimes longer) binge. i've worked hard and i don't want to put on weight! i guess i just need to wait and see. the good thing is i've not stopped blogging and tracking, i'm not turning a blind eye like i've always done before. this time, i'll handle the cravings!

i'm watching kerrang awards at the moment. what a freakshow! i have nothing against men in make up (i find it quite fanciable actually... there are certain limits though) or emo kids but when they're concentrated in one tiny place after really having made an effort... the funny thing is that if emo was around when i was a teenager i probably would have been emo. and what the hell has happened to brian molko? he used to be well fit! anyway, i'm not sure what point i'm trying to make now so i'll just shut up :)

i'm not drunk!

chinese and kashi

so we went to pond quay, my favourite chinese restaurant last night. i had what i always have: vegetarian noodle soup, rainbow vegetable fried rice and stir fried broccoli and shitake mushrooms. i ate about half of the fried rice and about a quarter of the stir fry. it was really really nice but i was feeling satisfied and if i continued eating i'd feel sick. i wanted a dessert though and the desserts in the restaurant don't say if they're vegetarian or not so we drove to asda and bought profiterole pyramid. we came home and i polished the whole thing - 10 pieces. it was really nice though ;) i think it's what i needed and i'm kinda proud that i stopped myself eating when i'd had enough in the restaurant. not so proud about eating the whole cake - this needs perfecting a bit. now the hard part will be resuming being good.

i had kashi for breakfast today, the honey variety. it's a really really lovely cereal and it's new on the uk market. now i finally know what all the american ladies are on about! i went out in the afternoon and just as i was coming home mark rang up to tell me that he's on his way home too. so i decided to wait for him and eat when he comes home. we finally ate at about half six and i was hungry again soon after. i wanted pizza and i wanted bread. i was starting to make up excuses - 'i've not had a slice of bread for 18 days, that did kickstart my weight loss and i can eat it again now' - and mark even suggested i have a slice of his bread. but i resisted and had a bowl of kashi. not ideal, eating at ten o'clock at night but i really was hungry. there really isn't a point in starving oneself, it would just make me ravenous and it would ended up with me not caring what i put in my mouth and eating shit.

i just wish it would get easier. the scales going up after yesterday's chinese isn't very motivating either. i know it's just water as i'm not used to eating so much salt but i want the scales to go downwards not upwards!

but i want to lose weight and i will lose weight!

63

i did it! i weigh 63 kilos :D only 8 kilos to go now. i can't wait to get down to 60. i know it will take a while but i will get there.

i needed to go to the post office today and it looked really dreary outside so i put my jeans on. my size 12 fcuk jeans. i bought them a while back and they were rather tight. i didn't wear them for about three months because it's been so warm. today, they fitted great. they're still quite fitted, not loose at all but they're not tight and they don't squash me at all.

i want some bad food. i want chinese and i want a cake. i'm not sure why but i really want some. i don't want a take away though because that's not very very nice food and if i'm going to eat bad then i want it to be delicious. i'm also thinking that if i want to eat bad then today is the day to do it as it's the beginning of the weight week. so we'll see.

63kg! yay!

new fruit or veg no. 3 = success!

i didn't do yoga today. after my yesterday's run, one of my boobs hurt a bit and i thought maybe it needs a bit more time to heal properly. so i'm giving myself a bit more time. besides, my legs hurt today! ;)

i was doing my spanish homework today and blimey, we started looking at past tense on monday and i'm ok with the regular verbs but there's no way i'll be able to learn all the irregular ones we've covered so far before tomorrow. but not to worry, i'm hoping that the other people won't learn them either. we shall see tomorrow.

it's the week no. three of trying a new fruit or veg. week one saw me trying butternut squash. liked the taste, didn't like the texture. in week two, i tried guava. liked the taste but couldn't eat it as there were so many seeds that i spat out everything i put in my mouth. however, this week, we have a winner! pomegranate! getting the seeds out was relatively kerfufflefree even though i was doing it in white trousers which was a bit risky but as far as i can tell they're still white all over. the seeds are delicious! so juicy! i will definitely have pomegranate again.

it's weigh in day tomorrow. i want to do really really well, i'm hoping for 63 kilos so fingers crossed for me.

garlic bread, pizza and crisps

i went for a run today. i almost died! i wanted to run to hospital and back and i did! it took me just over 13 minutes. when i was by the hospital, my heart rate was 180 bpm and when i was almost back home it was 186 bpm. it's official, i'm totally unfit. but the important thing is that i went and did it and didn't give up halfway through. but i think i'll do yoga tomorrow ;)

i had a spanish lesson today and i took an early train as i wanted to go to waterstones to see if they have any talks/signings coming up (they don't). i bought an easy spanish book and went off to kendals where they sprayed me with some horrible givenchi perfume and where i didn't find a single bra in my size.

i had soup for tea and was a bit hungry still so i had olives. we were watching tv and the advert for pringles was on. suddenly, i wanted crisps. and bread with butter. and pizza. and garlic bread. but i know i can't have any so i just won't. i've managed to be good for two weeks. why couldn't i add another week? i'm not saying i'm not going to have a slice of bread or a packet of crisps, little pizza or a slice of garlic bread ever. i will. but only when i really really want some, not because it was on telly. besides, it's weigh in day on wednesday. if i have something salty today, i will definitely not see a loss and will even risk a gain. do i want to undo all the good work? no. and i won't.

two weeks

it's been two weeks since i decided to start being good. and it's been a really good two weeks. i didn't have bread or pasta once. i only ate after eight on one occasion and that was because i didn't get home until nine o'clock. i compensated and had a salad. i didn't have a single treat. true, i've not done any exercise but that's going to change as of tomorrow.
i blogged yesterday i would try to get to a gym class tomorrow. the thing is, the class i want to go to is lead by a male instructor. i normally have nothing against male instructors but i'm only starting to exercise after my surgery and i'd need to tell him about the boob job. and that would be mega embarrassing! so, i think i'll do yoga or tae bo at home or go for a run instead, depending on the mood and the weather.

it's monday tomorrow and that means it's only two full days until the weigh in day! that will be my motivation to exercise tomorrow as i really want to lose this week!

a pot of sugar

i like muller crunch corner yogurts. i usually have two of them for tea. two because one is not enough and they're just yogurts after all. but are they?
when i was eating them yesterday i noticed that they now put how much sugar there is in 100g. sugar, not carbohydrates (although that's listed too). the value shocked me. there are 30g of sugar in 150g. that's about 7 teaspoons of sugar! in one pot. i eat two. 14 teaspoons. i thought that the corners were great because they're yogurts (good for you, right?) and they're sweet so i don't crave other sweet foods. but with 14 teaspoons of sugar, i might as well have two (or perhaps even more) scones!
so i guess it's the end of the crunch corners for me. i will still have them, but only occassionally. shame, because now i'll have to think of something else to eat for tea!

the eating is still good. mark had some crisps yesterday and i considered having a pack myself but decided against it. the main reasons were the salt content - this always makes me retain water - and it was after eight.
we went to tesco today and everything we bought was good. we bought some quorn crisp fillets, i really really like them. i eat a lot of quorn nowadays. yummy! we've also bought some vegetables for soup which we'll cook tomorrow. healthy!

i don't have anything on on monday and there is a pilates class followed by fitball class at the gym. i will really really try to get my arse there!

new hair and guava

here's my new hair and the new top i blogged about yesterday



i really enjoyed having my hair cut again. i'm growing my hair so i'm trying not to cut it as often as i normally would but it stopped looking good a while back and it needed to be cut. however, my fabulous hairdresser cut it without losing the length i already have. he's great because he doesn't just cut your hair, he tells you how to get the exact look he's created and gives lots of tips.

the 'try a new fruit or vegetable thingy' is in it's second week. so i tried guava today. i liked the taste but found it impossible to eat because of seeds. i'm not a fussy person when it comes to seeds, i normally eat watermelon seeds instead of picking them out but these guava seeds were just too hard. it was so many of them that it seemed like i spat everything i put in my mouth so i gave up after a few spoonfulls. next week i'll try that thing that looks like a banana but it's not.

my classic quickutz alphabet came this morning so i just had to scrapbook. i made a layout with pictures of mark from august 2001 when he first came to slovakia. i used brads for the first time and loved it! i can't believe i thought it would be too difficult to make holes for them! silly me! i also used journaling for the first time ever and even though i don't like my handwriting much, it doesn't look too awful on the scrapbook page.

i'm doing very well with my eating. i had oat cereal with yogurt for breakfast - quaker's oat crisp, it's so light that 30g fill a bowl - guava and muller crunch corner for lunch and stuffed aubergine with buttered potatoes for tea. all very nice food and healthy too.

which reminds me - i need to make a scrapbook layout about my diet plan!

no change

64 kilos. that's how much i weighed this morning. i'm a bit annoyed because that's how much i weighed last wednesday. i must say though that it's a better looking 64. i have mechanical scales and last week the 64 was more towards 65 than 63. it was on the line still, but a little more towards 63. i've been good for 9 days (10 if i count today) and i know if i persevere i will lose. also, the plan is to add exercise next week so there should be a loss next week. fingers crossed.

i've been resisting temptation since yesterday. sultana scones. my mother in law baked yesterday and i really like the scones. they are not the most appealing looking of cakes but they taste nice. i didn't have any yesterday and i'm hoping they will all be gone before i make up enough excuses (there's sultanas in them, they're good for you) and eat one.

i forgot to mention yesterday that i bought this lovely top from karen millen last night. it's a really nice purple colour and it's got embroidery, sequins, beads and tiny little shells on. it's very nice. i got it really cheap as well - £24.95, down from £95. and, it's a size 10! yes yes, 10! i tried on size 12 as well but it was too big. so size 10 it is! :D i love the karen millen shop. i love the clothes and i love the service. maybe i'll post a picture of the top tomorrow - after i have my hair done.
talking about hair, i'm not sure what i'm going to have done. cut obviously, but not sure how. i think my hair's too long at the back so i'd like to have that cut but i'm not sure what will happen to the rest of my hair. i have all faith in my stylist, he will come up with something beautiful, it's just that i'll feel a bit stupid going there not knowing what i want. but hey, i guess he's used to that.

so it's the start of a new week. i'll sure make it a successful one!

new boots

i got up early today because i had my eye test at asda. my mother in law offered to drive me there which was nice. i had my test and then they put new lenses in and i was supposed to wander around for half an hour. we were looking at clothes and shoes - i've never bought either from there - and i spotted this really nice suedelike bootshoes. i've been looking for the exact type last winter and couldn't find any non leather ones. these were. and they cost £12. how cheap is that? i bought two pairs - one in black one in silver. the best part - my mother in law paid for them! they're quite high heeled, when we walked around the trafford centre for almost two hours tonight my feet hurt a bit. mark's offered to give me a massage later though so :D

the eating was on track today, no eating after eight pm either. i didn't do any exercise (although i could count walking) but i think this week it would be a miracle if i did any anyway. next week, that's the plan! i'm hoping to get to the gym but if i don't, i will do some yoga, tae bo or something else at home.

tomorrow is the weigh in day. i'm not sure what it's going to be. fingers crossed!

the first session

it was my first personal training session with dawn today. we talked about what i want to achieve and did some tests. first, we did a step test - i was really bad at that, my heart rate when i finished stepping was 141 bpm. i expected it though cause my heart rate is always up. then we did a bleep sit up test, apparently an army test and that was quite hard because my arms were folded on my chest and the bleeping was slow at first, then it sped up after 20. i did 29. that might not sound like a lot but apparently that's the most anyone's ever done. not like, ever... just her clients. so i'm really proud because i've not done any sit ups or, any exercise, for that matter, for over two months. next time we do the test i'll kick some ass. the last test was flexibility and i reached 31cm. apparently that's good.
i liked the session. i'm not sure when the next one's gonna be because dawn's going away for two weeks. i will totally try to get my ass in the gym before she comes back though. not sure about this week cause i have stuff on, but the next week, i'll definitely try.

i also had a spanish class today and everyone was late so for a few minutes it looked like i was going to be the only pupil. we went out for a drink afterwards which was nice. however, it also meant i didn't get home until nine o'clock and having my last meal at two o'clock, i was starving. i wanted something salty, didn't fancy a yogurt so i had salad. i know it was after eight but i really couldn't have prevented it so i'll let myself off.

only one full day until weigh in. let's be good :)

a perfect week

it's sunday and i've had a perfect week. dietwise, of course. i've not had any bread or pasta, i finished eating at eight and i've not had a single treat. i cooked a lot more than usual. the meals were so so so yummy. although, i must say that quorn crisp fillet and buttered potatoes would better go with something sweet than with cucumber. i'll know for the next time ;)

all i need to do now is to start exercising. i dropped off the questionnaire at the personal trainer's house and found out she's the same woman who does the sculpt class i used to go to every tuesday! i like her, so it's cool. hopefully, we should have a session sometime next week and then she's away for two weeks. but by the time she goes, i will be kicked into gear and going to the gym on my own! (i hope)

this week coming up is a bit hectic. well, hectic. in my little world. i have two spanish classes, an eye test, lenses suitability test (i've been wearing lenses for about 10 years but i still have to have this if i want to buy lenses in england), meeting with my occupational therapist, hairdressing appointment and a meeting with the most annoying woman in the world who will hopefully help me find a volunteering job although i very much doubt it as she's useless. and, hopefully, a personal training session too!

the new fruit of the next week is guava. i bought it today and am going to try it sometime next week, perhaps even tomorrow. i'm hoping that i'll like it better than butternut squash.

------------------------------

dawn, the personal trainer has just called and we've arranged the first session. tomorrow at 1pm! yay! can't wait!

still good

it's saturday and i'm still being good. i made spinach soup today and ate the whole pot (three bowls). i know it's a lot, but it's a good food. full of vitamins, very filling and very low in calories. and, very tasty too.
i think i'll have something with quorn tomorrow, perhaps a crispy fillet with potatoes and vegetables. i also have corn on cob so i might have that if i'm hungry during the day or for tea instead of the usual yogurts. we'll see.

the questionnaire from the personal trainer came by post today. she also asked me to record my heart rate three times after i wake up when i talked to her on the phone on thursday. yesterday it was 53 bpm, today 43 bpm. is this normal? am i doing something wrong? it's very difficult to actually find my puls so early in the morning, i struggled for about five minutes yesterday morning and it wasn't much better today either.
ok, i just googled it and apparently anything between 40 and 100 is normal. phew!

three more days before the weigh in. i really really really want to weigh less than 64 kilos!

it's friday already

it's weird, i feel as if i've only started the diet. but it's been five days already. i've not had any bread, pasta, rice or even potatoes. i didn't eat anything after eight o'clock for five days. i've not had a single treat. no chocolate, no biscuits, no crisps. how weird, considering 6 days ago i just couldn't do it. i couldn't stay away from shit, i couldn't eat less. and then, i decided i could do it. it just shows that you can always do it. only sometimes you don't know you can.

i'm confindent now more than ever that i will lose the bloody weight now. i'm eating well and i'm hoping to start training with the personal trainer soon. that should kick my ass into wanting to exercise on other days too. i went to the gym to get classes timetable. i'm thinking about taking it with me to my first session with the pt, highlight the classes i like and see what she suggests i do.

we went to the trafford centre today and as we went past thorntons i suddenly wanted chocolate (i have a very suggestible mind). i wouldn't be able to go to thorntons and buy stuff there because they don't mark their products as vegetarian. i told mark i wanted chocolate. he said 'have a yogurt or something', i thought about it and said 'yes, i think i will'. this is a new thing. before, i would have stomped my feet and insisted that 'i'm allowed to have a treat'. today, i considered what would be better - have chocolate or have yogurt (the yogurt would be muller corner with chocolate digestives, so a sweet one), thought if i desperately needed chocolate and decided yogurt was the better option. we came home and i had a yogurt. no drama.

i'm feeling positive today (if you haven't figured it out yet), hopefully i will do tomorrow too.

personal trainer

i've found one! i looked in yellow pages and there was one lady near where i live so i thought she might be a member of my gym. i called her and she's not a member but she has a gym at home. which is nearby. so that's perfect. she also charges £27.50 a session which is cool. i only want to see her twice a month so it will cost me 55 quid a month. i'm really glad because i'll have plenty of my allowance left for other things (like scrapbooking) and i'll have the luxury of a personal trainer too. seems like i'm back in the game! ;) she's going to send me a questionaire about my health and stuff and then call me to arrange a session when i send it back. sounds good to me! i'm already getting excited :)

i went to my spanish class yesterday and it was good. i've only been there twice and i've learnt a lot already! also, it's great because everyone there is young and they actually talk to you whereas when i did the open university course, everyone was old and looked at me as if i had a foot growing from my nose.
we don't have to do much homework this time and it's 4 days before the next lesson so i think i'll revise the lesson we're on and continue studying the previous lessons as i'm on lesson 8 and we've started on lesson 13. only 5 lessons to learn on my own!

i'm continuing to eat well, today i've had cereal with yogurt and quorn burger, eggs and vegetables. i will have some yogurt later. i've not eaten anything after eight pm since monday (if we don't count one wild strawberry at 8.10pm yesterday) and haven't had any bread, pasta or rice either.

i think i'm doing quite well. and when i start with the personal training, i will do even better! i'm just so excited :D

just a quickie

i weighed 64 kilos this morning! that's a big yay! seems like the 66 kilos on monday was just water weight from saturday's popcorn and sunday's pizza. i would really love to lose a kilo by next wednesday.

three perfect eating days so far.

and the second spanish class was really good too!

:D

new vegetable no. 1

i've decided to try a new fruit or vegetable every week. this week, it was butternut squash. now, i've had butternut squash before but that was a long time ago and i didn't like it because my dad didn't like it (no, i don't have the electra complex). i didn't remember what it tasted like and they had little organic ones in asda. so i made stuffed butternut squash - i stuffed it with onions, mushrooms and quorn pieces, put a slice of cheese on top and had it with lettuce and cucumber. i thought the taste was ok, but i didn't like the texture. so i only ate the stuffing and left the butternut squash. oh well. hopefully, next week's vegetable/fruit will be more successful.

i didn't want to say yesterday, but paulene's 12 week challenge started yesterday and i had to weigh myself. i weighed... brace yourselves... 66 kilos! bollocks bollocks bollocks! however, as my normal weigh in day is wednesday, i'll have more than a week before sending my next weight and i'm really hoping to do well. my goal for the challenge is to be 59 kilos at the end of the challenge.

foodwise, i'm doing great. i had cereal with yogurt, a yogurt and the stuffed butternut squash without the butternut squash today so another day without bread/pasta/rice.

exercisewise, still shit. i was talking to my mom today and complained about how i can't find any motivation and she said that perhaps i'm not ready yet with surgery being only 8 weeks ago and my body is trying to tell me that. well, i don't know. it would be a perfect excuse and i don't want an excuse. but it's a possibility. i'll wait for a few more weeks, perhaps when i'm ready, the gym will have personal trainers?

spanish tomorrow, i'm looking forward to it :) i still have half of the homework to do!

happy and sad

dietwise, it was a good day today. i didn't have any bread, rice or pasta. i had fruit, i had vegetables. i didn't drink a lot of water but oh well. i used my estee lauder products, but i didn't dry brush. tomorrow, perhaps.

my spanish course started today. i was petrified. i thought i won't understand a word and everyone else will know a lot more and i'll look like a complete idiot. i thought everyone would laugh at me, point their fingers and chant 'fat fat fat and stupid'. thankfully, it didn't happen. i understood pretty much everything and the two hours went really quickly. i'm looking forward to going there again on wednesday.

that was the happy part.

i've been thinking about getting a personal trainer. i think it would bring me back to the gym - i would have to go, i'd have an appointment - and once i'd see it's really not that bad and i actually enjoy it, i'd start going again. also, i believe having someone pushing me and making a plan aimed at my goals, considering my abilities would help me lose a lot more weight. however, it's not going to happen.
i went to the gym and asked if they had personal trainers. they don't. you can have a plan made by the staff. i've had that done before and it was crap. plus, if i had no one to meet at the gym, i won't make myself go just because i have a piece of paper telling me what to do.
i looked at other personal trainers in manchester but the ones with the gym and the ones who come to your gym (i really don't want to do it 'in comfort of my own home' because i have no space to exercise at all) cost £40 and up. my allowance is £200 a month - £35 covers the gym and £10 the phone. i would go above my allowance (which i can't) and i wouldn't be able to buy anything else at all which just wouldn't work.
so i'm scrapping the idea. and it makes me sad. because for a while, i really believed that i could get back in the gym. that i could find someone who'd kick my lazy arse once a week and motivate me to exercise several times a week on my own. but it's not to be. and once again i'm thinking i'll be fat forever. because i know that eating well on its own doesn't do the trick. i also know that only eating well doesn't motivate me.

i'm not saying i'm throwing the towel. i will be careful with the food. and see what results that brings. however, yesterday i said failure wasn't an option anymore. it is today.

do as you say

yesterday's eating was spot on. until we went to the cinema. i ate a 'medium' bag of popcorn and was slurping mark's pepsi max all the time. i thought, 'when am i going to come to the cinema again?' and used it as an excuse.
today, while watching voyager, an advert for pizza hut was shown on tv. instantly, i wanted a pizza. i thought, 'it's sunday today, tomorrow's monday - a fresh start. and i had popcorn yesterday anyway.' and used it as an excuse.
the moral of the story is, i'm good with excuses. i'm very good at talking myself into doing something i said i wouldn't do and talking myself out of doing something i said i would do. like, eat shit and go to the gym respectively.

but as i said, tomorrow's monday. a fresh start. tomorrow is the first day of paulene's 12 week challenge. a sign? tomorrow, my spanish course starts. another sign?
yes yes, i've decided these are all signs and i need to focus and start losing the goddamn weight. i'm not going to talk about failure because failure simply isn't an option. i've put on a lot of weight in the past couple of weeks. what have i worked so hard for? it will be no failing this time.
i've ordered my classic quickutz alphabet today which should come sometime next week so i can finally scrapbook. i'm going to make a layout with my weight loss plan. i can look at it when i lose my motivation and remind myself of what i've promised myself.

i really need to start taking care of myself. it's not just food. it's pretty much everything. my hair, my skin, the way i look, clothes, make up, the place i live in, my activities, the lot. i don't do anything to make myself look nice or enjoy myself. last time i wore make up was in october. that's a long time ago. i'm not saying i'm going to put on full make up and have perfect hair and fill every minute of my life with enjoyable activities but i'm certainly going to try to start doing something.
i've made an appointment with chris, my hairdresser who's fabulous. he's on holiday next week so i'm going to see him on august, 17th. i'm not sure what i want to have done, but i know he will come up with something. that's a start. from tomorrow, i will religiously use my estee lauder skincare range and drybrush my skin. i will try to follow every rule i blogged earlier. i'll be damned if i let myself go now, after having only ten kilos to go.

55 kilos, here i come!

will i be 65 kilos forever?

i kind of forgot to weigh myself on wednesday. i realised it was weigh in day when i was eating my breakfast. so i finished them, then went for a poo. so that kinda evened it out and i stepped on the scales. 65 kilos. it's not like i didn't expect it. but it still made me sad. i was 63.5kg not so long ago. will i weigh 65 kilos forever?

hell no!

i looked at my wallchart that i kept when i started to lose weight. i lost 3.2kg in the first week and then kept losing 1-2.5 kilos a week. now, if i lost a kilo a week now, i'd be over the moon. that would be like the most amazing thing ever. i would be 55kg in no time (well, two and a half months)! if i started now, i'd be at my target weight in october! how good would that be?
however, i also remembered that i was rather sick at that time. i was coming off my benzos which i'd been taking for half a year and it wasn't the easiest thing to do. i felt sick all the time, my head hurt, i didn't want to eat at all. and some days i didn't. i didn't do any exercise, but it seems it didn't matter.

i'm kinda fed up with the whole dieting thing. i look horrendous. if i lose ten kilos, yes, i will look a little bit slimmer, but i'll still look horrendous. so what's the point? but, i'm willing to give myself a chance. i will lose the ten kilos and if i still look horrendous then i've done everything i could, didn't work, sorry! after all, there's still plastic surgery (i should know).

so i've decided to start doing a few things that worked for me in the past. maybe they'll work for me again?

*minimise the intake of bread/rice/pasta
*do not eat after 8pm (i used to do 6pm when i was at school and college but because i get up much later now than i did then i think it's fair to say 8pm)
*eat soups
*drybrush every day and apply lotion - this should hopefully prevent any saggy skin
*apply firming lotion on arse, legs, stomach and arms in the evening
*start using the whole estee lauder skincare range - this should make my skin look better
*exercise - notice how i didn't write 'go to the gym', more about that later
*only drink water or fruit/vegetable juices, do not drink coke, even if it's diet
*make smoothies
*have cereal for breakfast but keep it different - add different fresh or dried fruit or yogurt every day
*eat porridge or a few pieces of fruit for breakfast if you don't want cereal
*keep the room tidy - this should eliminate some stress
*do the spanish homework as soon as possible, don't leave for later - stress elimination again
*scrapbook and read - this makes me happy
*don't buy any more clothes, wait until you're 60 kilos - i really don't need more clothes and it really upsets me when i go to clothes shops and see things i can't wear because i'm too fat and try on things i thought i could wear but look horrible in them because i'm too fat

this is all i can come up with right now. as you can see, it's not all about food or exercise, but the other things should help me keep my sanity and help to make me look better.

i wrote 'exercise' instead of 'go to the gym'. as i blogged before, i've lost all motivation to go to the gym. i'll have to talk to my occupational therapist about it. but at the moment, it just seems so... i don't really know. unappealing perhaps. i have to take a bus to get there, take a bag full of toiletries and stuff, walk for 15 minutes from the bus stop, exercise (that's the easy part), have a shower (that's the part i hate most), get dressed (i hate to get dressed straight after shower, i usually get into my pyjamas when i have a shower at home), blow dry my hair (hate that too), walk to the bus station, get a ride home. isn't it complicated? if i had a car and could actually drive on the wrong side with the mad traffic, i could just hop in dressed in workout clothes, drive to the gym, exercise, hop back in the car, drive myself back, have shower at home, get into my pyjamas. easy!
i know what you're thinking now. why don't i make my husband do the driving. well, two reasons. i don't like to go to the gym in the evening because it's so busy and when mark's at home, i prefer to stay with him than go somewhere alone. if that makes sense.
ages ago, i used to do yoga every day - 1.5 hour of geri yoga and it was brilliant. but now, there's no space in the house to do that. so gah!
not sure what exercise i'm going to do but i will find something.

we'll be going to tesco tomorrow to buy ingredients for soups. and fruit for fruit salads. and good stuff.

let's kick some ass!

it's the same old story

i've been eating for england. and slovakia. and a few other countries. i'm ashamed but really, what can i do? learn from it and not do it again? like that's gonna happen. or is it?

it's weigh in day tomorrow. start of a new week. i can go back to the gym tomorrow because i'll be 7 weeks post op.

the problem is, i'm lacking motivation. i weighed 63.5kg two weeks ago. now i weigh about 65. 1.5kg gain in two weeks. the thing is, i didn't even eat a lot in those past few weeks. i only started eating so much in the past few days when i saw how much i gained and decided that me trying to lose weight is futile and i might as well start to eat shitloads of shit before the next wednesday when i can start again. it's upsetting. but perhaps, when i start exercising, i can allow myself to eat a little more a still lose?
exercise is another problem. i can't be bothered. a few days ago i was really excited that i would be able to get back to the gym. now though... i don't want to get up early and go to the gym. i don't want to have to put on a horrible sports bra, work out, sweat and have a shower in a place that's full of verrucas (i'd like to say that my gym is really nice, it's just... i hate showers and public showers are my worst nightmare). oh balls! what did i get myself into?

wish me luck!