ongoing struggle

every day, i'm really struggling to eat all my points. i really really try but there's always at least 1.5 points left. i don't want to eat shit to use all the points (like i did a few days ago) but i find it really difficult to eat enough good healthy food. it's weird.

i signed up for tango yesterday. the taster session was good, we learnt this sixstep figure and it was really simple yet it looked good. i really hope enough people will sign up for it so the class will actually happen.

i'm going to london today as mark has a gig so i won't drink enough water (no toilet in the car) and i won't do any exercise either. oh well. but i'm taking good food with me - pasta salad (100g pasta, mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and diced quorn nuggets), apples, an orange and ww lemon cake slices. this should hopefully be enough. i didn't want to take sandwiches because they're so high in points and not really that nice.

sunday's weigh in is getting close!

habit tracker xmas challenge

i signed up for the habit tracker xmas challenge on ww message boards! a lovely lady called fiona runs the challenge - she even lets me have my stats in kilos rather than stones and pounds - and it's for people who need to lose 10 pounds or more before christmas.
i set my goal for 58.5 kg. i know the original goal was to be 55 kg by christmas but with christmas being only 3 months away and me weighing 65 kilos, i somehow doubt it's going to happen. i'm not saying it won't, because you never know, but i just don't want to set my goals too high and be disappointed if i don't reach them. and anyway, 58.5 kilos is not that far from 55.

it's thursday already and i'm doing very well with the whole weightwatchers thing. i'm planning in advance, i follow the plan. i don't find it difficult at all. what i find weird though is that i seem to be eating a lot more than before. but i'm confident it will work. after all, it worked for me once before.

i also found this link on ww message boards. there's a little questionaire on the website and it gives you a figure in the end of how much water you should drink. apparently, i should drink 14 eight ounce glasses. that's like 3.25 litres! bloody hell! i'm all happy when i manage to drink 2 litres (which i really am trying to do every day). but, i will try. not today, not tomorrow (i can't go to the toilet often enough), but perhaps on saturday.

there's a tango taster in my spanish institute today and i'm going. i'm not sure how long it's going to take, i'm hoping for at least half an hour so i can clock it as proper exercise ;) if i like it, i'll sign up for a class.

dessert monster

i had the dessert today. the 9.5 point one. don't think i fell off the wagon so soon though. because i haven't! i planned all today's meals yesterday. i was supposed to have pancakes with maple syrup for breakfast, avocado salad for lunch and quorn with potatoes and veg for dinner. i was also going to have two ww cake slices and a pomegranate. however, i went to see a friend after breakfast and had only half an hour to eat before i had to go to my spanish class. i started making avocado salad as planned but the avocado looked a bit weird so i didn't put it in. i also used less quorn slices than planned. i had the ww cake before i went though ;).
when i came home from spanish, i wasn't hungry at all. i had 10.5 points left and there was no way i could have eaten so much healthy food. i didn't want to end up eating 9.5 points all day so i decided to have the dessert. it was nice, but not as nice as i remember it, perhaps because now i know how bad it is. but i enjoyed it. and used almost all my points too :)

not a very healthy day (although i ate some veggies) but i'm still very much on track!

9.5 points

i did 20 mins of yoga today! i know it's nothing to scream about but i'm so pleased that i've done some exercise without mark forcing me into it. i woke up, had breakfast, waited for two hours and did a bit of yoga. i'm so stiff it's not true. i also walked around shops for about an hour, clocking 2.5 bonus points :D

foodwise, i was good today. i finished with 17.5 points out of 20 and the banked points for this week are finally above zero so i made up for the bad sunday.

we went to asda tonight and bought some great stuff. weight watchers cake slices (which had a sticker with a promotional code that gave you £5 discount when you signed up for ww online - bugger), some frozen spinach and a bag of frozen green beans. i also discovered frozen garlic mushrooms which were low in calories and fat.

we also went to marks and spencer and bought this really nice dessert that we discovered a little while ago. it's a chocolate muffin, white chocolate mousse, chocolate mousse, white, milk and plain chocolate chips in a pot. it all weighs 120g and it's incredibly tasty. when we came home and i checked how many points are in that tiny little pot, i got a shock of my life. 9.5 points! how can such a tiny little thing be so bad? so i'm passing on my dessert. mark will have it and he's not complaining ;)

day one

i´m doing really well. i planned all the meals for today last night (that´s what i did when i was on weightwatchers before and it worked best for me) and i´m sticking to the plan. i had a lovely bowl of apple porridge with honey for breakfast and quorn fillet with potatoes and pineapple in juice for lunch. i´ll have one slice of toast with orange juice and two pots of munch bunch for tea. this will still leave me 4 points to play with. i might have a pomegranate or if i´m not hungry i might just leave them to make up for the 7.5 over points from yesterday. i promise promise promise that if i´m hungry, i´ll have something and use all my points if necessary.

mark has a big gig at the academy today. they´re having a single out on the 2nd of october so it´s a single launch gig. you can hear the song here and you can preorder the single here. it's only three quid and it's well good. seriously.

weightwatchers

i've decided to join weightwatchers online today. i had two reasons to do so. one, i lost weight through weight watchers online before - i weighed 60 kilos and wanted to get down to 54 kilos - and two, i can't judge how much food i'm supposed to be eating. i always eat too little or too much. when i eat too little, i last for a couple of weeks and then go on a massive binge. when i eat too much, i don't lose weight. or even worse, i put on. and i really can't tell. when i eat too little i think i'm eating enough. when i'm eating too much i think i'm eating just about right.

so i signed up. i entered my starting weight which was 65 kg. i'll change my weigh in day to sunday as i won't have to have two weigh in days this way. the good thing about having a weigh in day on a sunday is that i won't give into temptation and eat a lot at the weekends.
i also entered into points tracker all the food i've eaten today and to my surprise i'm over the points already and i am yet to have my tea. i'm allowed 20 points. i've eaten 21.5 already. and i thought i my eating was good today which proves my point really.

i'm still doing well with the water. i've already drank a bit more than a litre.

three months. that's exactly how long i have until my goal. weightwatchers are paid for three months. i'm gonna give it my best shot.

i did it!

i drank 2 litres of water yesterday! i'm very proud. now i just need to keep doing that. i only drank about 250 ml of water today but i drank 600 ml smoothie - made out of milk, frozen fruit and a teaspoon of maple syrup - and 250 ml of orange juice so i think i'm getting enough fluids. also, we're going to a chinese restaurant in the evening (more about that later) and i always order a big bottle of water and drink that. so while i won't drink 2 litres of water, i'll drink 2 litres of liquids. for sure.

now, chinese. i know i know, it's not the best thing to eat when you're losing weight, but there's no way i can get out of it. it's mark's brother's birthday meal so i have to go. but, i did some planning beforehand. i had toast (vogel's soya and linseed bread) for breakfast and two glasses of the already mentioned smoothie for lunch. even though i've not eaten a lot, i'm not hungry and the meal is in less than two hours. i'm not going to have a starter or a dessert and i'm going to choose something that's not as bad for you, like, vegetable chow mein. and lots of water. good plan?

i've been trying to find an online shop where they'd sell covered chinese tea cups but no luck. it's driving me nuts. if anyone knows where i can get one, please please let me know.

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after dinner update

the dinner went ok. they didn't have still water so i drank sparkling and they only brought me a 3 dcl glass so i only had that. i ordered mixed vegetable chow mein as planned even though i was tempted by mushrooms with broccoli. i would have to have them with fried rice though and even though i love fried rice, i didn't want to eat that many calories and that much fat. so i had chow mein. it was very nice and i stopped when i had enough. i wasn't stuffed. i just had enough. i didn't have a dessert. i had a few pieces of orange though.

i had a little piece of chocolate when i came home (around 70 kcal and not much fat). i think i've done well :)

water

i'm trying. i drank about a half of a bottle. that's piss poor, but i still have about twelve hours before i go to bed so if i drink 150 ml every hour i should hit 2 litres. 150 ml is not a lot. this will be the goal for the day!

i used to drink 2 litres of water every day. i had a big two litre bottle and i finished it before i went to bed whatever happened. i was thin - about 54 kg - toned and i pooed every day. i also did 1.5 hours of yoga every day. i was working part time - three days a week - and had time to do all this. then i was offered a full time job and as it was in a shop i couldn't go pee every half an hour and i stopped drinking as much. and it went downhill ever since. i have all the time in the world at the moment as i don't work much. but i don't exercises and i don't drink water. bah!

anon, the water bottles i buy are 0.5 l so i need to drink four to get 2 litres. there was time when i drank 4-6 litres of water a day. i had a really really really bad kidney infection and was told at a&e that i need to drink that much. i drank dilluted apple juice rather than pure water - just a tiny bit of apple juice at the bottom of the glass - and it wasn't that hard. but yeah, at that time i was scared my kidney will pack it in and if a lot of water was going to make me better then water i drank. which makes me think, if i can drink 6 litres of water when i'm ill, why can't i drink 2 bloody litres when i'm well? i think there's this lazy factor in there somewhere - i can't be bothered going to the loo all the time! it's a pathetic excuse, i know.

i measured my stomach this morning. not to see if the slendertone worked but because my stomach is always bigger in the evening. so, the waist measurement was 77.5 cm (78 cm last night) and the stomach measurement was 87 cm (90 cm last night). while it's not the same as it was 4 weeks ago, it's better than last night! i'll measure myself again in a week and see if my efforts combined with slendertone are working.

i've been sipping water while typing and i'm happy to say that the first bottle is gone! only 3 more to go :)

slendertone flex

i tried the dance mat today. it's ok, i'll need to customise it a bit and i'll need to get used to it. they say you shouldn't wear trainers or socks when using it but it sticks to bare feet and thus prevents double step on the same mark. this was driving me crazy so i'm going to wear my trainers next time. and, it moves. mark suggested we get some velcro and make it stick to the carpet that way. also, i'm really crap at it. i've done just under half an hour today and even though i improved a bit i was far from stepping in the right squares all the time. which was kinda frustrating. however, it was a good workout, i was sweating a lot. i'll try again and hopefully i can only get better ;)

another thing i did today was buy slendertone flex. i thought maybe it would be a good idea to get it and searched for reviews on the internet and most of what i found was positive so i decided to buy it. i measured myself before i used it so i can monitor my progress and i almost bloody died! i measure 78 cm around my waist and 90 (ninety!!!!) cm around my belly. that's a disgrace. it was 74 and 86 a few (probably four) weeks ago. i'm so ashamed and really pissed off with myself for letting this happen. true, i did measure myself in the evening but fucking hell! 90 centimeters??? that is just so horrible. the weird thing is that if i put on weight when i was younger, it always went into my legs and ass. now, yes, i have big legs and ass, but when i put on weight it goes straight into my stomach. well, i'm planing to use the slendertone twice a day and continue with the good eating and exercise.

i definitely need to drink more water. i'm thinking about getting four little bottles in the morning, write numbers on them (1-4) and drink them. i drank one little bottle today. that's piss poor.

65.5

that's how much i weighed this morning. it's ridiculous. i've put on 2.5 kg in four weeks. what the hell am i doing? why did i work so hard when i'm just going to let it go so easily?

we went to costco yesterday and they had a video camera set up on one of the tvs and i saw myself and i looked so fat i almost cried. i'm horrible, fat and disgusting. i tried to buy some new exercise clothes today and i didn't look right in anything. i'm too fat.

why did i get my boobs done when i'm just going to stay fat? what was the point?

we talked about rewards for exercising. i'll get the basic reward if i go to the gym three times a week on average, making it 12 times a month. the reward will be a full body massage by mark. the highest reward - for when i go to the gym 30 times a month, or 28 times in february - will be a full body massage and an expensive clothing item or a bag or shoes. we'll have to decide on rewards inbetween.

my dance mat came today. i was eager to try it but unfortunately it needs to be plugged into ps/2 port which mark's computer doesn't have (and mine doesn't either, even if it worked on a mac). we tried to buy it today but they didn't have it anywhere in the trafford centre so mark's going to some computer shop tomorrow morning.

on the diet front, i had a perfect eating day today. i also bought 'you are what you eat' magazine, see if there's anything interesting and helpful in it.

i'll be damned if i'll bloody gain next week!

8pm

I took my last 'back pill' this morning. this means that i won't have to eat late at night to have food with the medication. i say 'won't have to' i mean 'i won't'. it's 8 pm food curfew for me again. this is great because i've been eating so much food lately that it is bound to show on the scales tomorrow. but today, i'll start losing.

other than that, i'm still waiting. and i'm sick of it. i'm waiting for my dance mat - i ordered it on wednesday and it was supposed to be shipped within 1-2 days. so i'm a bit pissed off.
the other thing i'm waiting for is a letter from the university. i sent the application on monday two weeks ago and the deadline for sending materials out was on the 13th or september. so i'm kinda like, it's the 19th today and i still haven't heard anything. the term starts on the second of october so if i don't hear anything by wednesday next week, i'm gonna send them an email and ask i think. that is still a long time to wait though and it's killing me. but what can i do...

i bought a fantastic thing at boots yesterday! neutrogena pureglow microdermabrasion kit. i tried it yesterday and my skin is so much more smooth! and that's after one application. i paid with my points as well so i didn't spend any money which makes it even better ;)

hp ipaq rz1710

i've ordered a pda. i've always wanted one, they look cool, kinda star treky - which is definitely a good thing - and they're very useful. i love gadgets and it took me a few days to decide which one would be the best for me. the main thing i want to use it for, apart from the obvious organiser and contacts, is to read .pdf files. because, all the university materials come as .pdfs. now, don't get all excited, i haven't heard anything from the uni yet so i don't know if they've accepted me or not, but if they do, i'll have a pda where i can store all the stuff and take with me everywhere. they can't say i'm not dedicated!

dietwise, i had some chinese noodles with beansprouts yesterday - only about a third of the portion so it's not bad - and i had some chocolate and crisps today - not so good. but i didn't binge or anything and everything else i ate today was good.
i've been to tesco and got the vogel soy and linseed bread - thanks for the tip, anon - and even though i usually don't like bitty seedy bread i quite like this one.

i'm still waiting for my dance mat which will hopefully come tomorrow together with a letter from uni offering me a place on the course.

gym

i did make it to the gym yesterday! and it was good, i'm not as out of shape as i had thought. i did 15 minutes on crosstrainer, 15 minutes on recumbent bike, 15 minutes on normal bike and 100 sit ups. there was this one guy in the gym who looked like michelangelo's david, i shit you not, minus the curly hair. the result of the gym session is that my stomach muscles are sore today.

talking about exercise, i ordered my dance mat! it's pc compatible (which is a slight problem as i have a mac so i'll either have to use mark's computer or look into windows emulators) so i don't need a playstation and it cost £9.99. what a bargain! it should hopefully come within the next few days. i shall write a full report once i've tried it ;)

i washed my new jeans yesterday and even though i put lots of fabric conditioner in the washing machine, they were tight when i tried them on today. so tight that i couldn't do them up. so of course, i started moaning at myself for not buying the bigger size and that i wanted comfy jeans and ended up with ones i can't even get on. but when i told mark he suggested he'll put them on and stretch them a bit. now, they were loose on him, but he pulled them down so they were on his arse (isn't that depressing that my husband can put my jeans on, button them up and pull them down without any trouble?) and started doing squats. it was quite hillarious to watch, and it worked! i put the jeans on ok and now, after i've been in them for about half an hour they feel really comfy and don't push me or squeeze me anywhere. i'm so glad i didn't buy the larger size!

i bought wholemeal spaghetti in tesco the other day and tried them yesterday. they were ok, a bit bitty, but they contain 10g of fibre in 100g. that is quite a lot so i will try and eat them instead of normal spaghetti for a while.

i still haven't heard anything from uni. i really really wish they'd hurry up and let me know!

thirty thirty-two

that's my jeans size. :D i bought new jeans yesterday. i went with the intention of buying comfy jeans and ended up with tight ones. ha ha. i tried on 32/32 and they were a bit loose and were rippling when i sat down. so i tried on 30/32 and even though i have a muffin top, they fit me well and they will loosen up a bit so they should be all good. the sales assistants also said they looked ok so hopefully i don't look like i'm wearing jeans that belong to my little sister (i don't have a little sister, it's just a figure of speech).

it was weigh in day today and i'm 65 kg. this is not great, i know, but the number was higher the whole week so i'm relieved i'm let off with 65. there are a few reasons why i'm gaining. i'm not going to use them as excuses, i know i need to do something about them and realising what they are is the first step.
first, i've started taking medicines for my back and you have to eat them with food. that means i have to eat later than i normally would and/or having an extra meal.
second, my dosage of risperidone has been increased. one of the big side effects is weight gain. it is because of risperidone's 'cousin', olanzapine, that i am fat in the first place (obviously, it is because of me eating shitloads of shit, but it was triggered by the meds).
third, both of these meds cause constipation. i'm normally constipated anyway but the combination of the two is making it really bad.

so what to do? there's nothing i can do about the meds, but the good news is i need to take the back ones for another week only. after that i can finish eating early. i'm going to do some exercise. today, brace yourselves, i'm going to the gym. mark's not working today so he can take me and he can pick me up so no horrible showers and no kerfuffle getting there and back. i've also been thinking about getting playstation and a dancing mat? it looks cool (not cool as in cool but cool as in good) and it doesn't take much space. that's one of my big problems - no space to exercise at home. i'll have to have a look at ebay for cheap playstation. and, i need to start drinking much more water. some days, i only drink a few sips of water with the meds and a glass of orange juice. so that's going to be changed.

next week will note a loss. because, i can't do with a muffin top in my new jeans ;)

maple syrup

this will probably be funny, but i've never had maple syrup before. today, i've tried pancakes with maple syrup. i found these little pancakes from tesco healthy range - low in calories, low in fat and not high in sugar - and they were really really nice. a new food for me to eat!

i'm being good. really. :)

15 days

first things first - anon, thanks very much for the recipe, i shall try it right after a much needed visit to holland and barrett's when i stock up on things!

mark's single launching gig is on the 25th. if i don't count today and the 25th then it's 15 days away. i blogged earlier that i want to look nice that day. now i have 15 days to get ready. so i've decided i'm going to be super good for 15 days. no sweets, no bad stuff at all. i'll make a chart with numbers going from fifteen down to one and i'll cross one each day. i will do my best. i will go to the gym or do some sort of exercise - i'm not saying how often because i don't want to put myself into that position where i don't live up to my own expectations. but i'll do my best. even if it's just walking.

i think i should set a few ground rules for the 15 day period
*eat only when hungry
*eat a lot of fruit, veg, grains, pulses, nuts and seeds
*limit processed foods
*no treats at all
*drink a lot of water
*do as much exercise as possible

so that's what i'm gonna do. and maybe, just maybe, it will provide me with the kickstart that i so desperately need at the moment.

i'm thinking that perhaps i could make a scrapbook layout for the 15 day plan. it would be a lot more difficult to cheat after hard scrapbooking work!

ten kilos to go

the scales showed 65kg this morning. it's not great but it's only half a kilo gain since last week and considering the amount of shit i've been eating it could have been much worse. i'm convincing myself that it's not that bad. it's only ten kilos to go and, when i get down to 60 kilos, i shouldn't look too fat. so that will be my next goal. get down to 60 kilos. 5 kilos to lose. how hard can it be?

i'm trying to get a new pair of jeans. the pair i've got at the moment is fcuk size 12 and it fits me ok but it's not dead comfy. i want a pair that's soft and doesn't squeeze me anywhere. but it's not easy for me to find. all the bloody jeans have leather tabs on them. levi's used to be my favourite jeans, they were comfy and they fit me well but they've started to put leather tabs on them. it really pisses me off because it's so unnecessary and it doesn't serve any purpose. plus, it looks ugly too. so i'm annoyed. maybe i'll wait until i lose a bit more weight and see if the fcuk jeans get any more comfy but i'll need to do that before it gets cold again.

anyway, enough whinging. anon, could i please have the recipe for the granola? i'm willing to try! ;) thanks for all the suggestions, i have porridge sometimes but am very impatient and always burn my tongue so that's what puts me off a bit! (i know)

cereal

i've been good today. i had kashi cereal for breakfast, quorn fillet with potatoes and pineapple for lunch and toast for tea. if i'm hungry later on i'll have a yogurt. good food, tasty food. however, there's a slight problem.
for some reason, if i have cereal for breakfast, i get hungry a lot quicker than if i have toast. the calories consumed are almost the same and both options are wholegrain. so i don't really get it. anyone any ideas?

i haven't heard anything from the university yet. i guess it's only been a day but i want to know the result! now! well, i just keep telling myself that i've done everything i could and the next step is theirs. if it's meant to be, i will be offered a place. if not, i won't.

it's weigh in day tomorrow. i'm a bit scared, but i'll weigh myself anyway.

the wake up call

after gorging myself with really bad food for a few days, i got my wake up call. i was constipated. but really constipated. i'm not going to give details because that really would be too much information but it's sufficient to say that i swore not to eat shit (no pun intended) ever again.

and, i really mean it. i ate really well today and it wasn't even hard. mark's band is releasing a single at the beginning of october and they have a launch gig on 25th of september. i want to have lost some weight by then. i want to wear nice clothes and feel good. also, we're going to the theatre at the beginning of december, i'll need to buy some posh clothes to wear and i'm really hoping to be really small then (be in the 50's fingers crossed) so i won't have to part with the nice new posh clothes.

the anonymous person who commented the last post, i hear you. the sad thing is that i'm aware of these problems, yet i still fuck up again and again and again. but hey, today is a new start ;) hopefully the new start!

the spanish institute i go to for my spanish lessons is starting a tango course in october. argentinian tango is something i've always wanted to learn so i'm not going to pass this opportunity. they're having an open day soon so i'll be going for the tango taster and see what it's like. i don't think i'll ever be able to learn it properly, but i can have a go, you know!

also, today i've applied for a university course to study geology. i really really really hope they'll accept me so fingers crossed for me please.

weight loss, here i come!

and the ring is gone

so, i went to the trafford centre last night to look at bags - i've recently found out that guess bags are synthetic and they have them in selfridges - but the one i liked didn't have a top zip :( so i'm bagless. well, not bagless bagless, i still have the old bag. i walked around a little, went to marks and spencer, bought a sandwich and a dessert for mark. i was looking at clothes in other shops and got all upset because i could just see my stomach sticking out in them or my armpit flab showing or my fat arms showing or my fat legs showing. there aren't any clothes that would fit me nicely.
so i decided that when i come home, i'll have the dessert and stop having red foods after that altogether. some kind of last supper. the plan backfired however, when mark came home and saw the empty pot with a spoon, he said 'that's your ring gone'.
i don't quite understand why is that when we agreed that no foods are forbidden and all i need to do is think twice before i have a red food. but, i haven't found a ring that i liked and we can't afford it anyway so... and, i don't want to argue. i don't even want to talk about it. i'm sick of the whole diet thing. i'm sick of having to watch what i eat, how much i eat and feeling guilty constantly because i've had too much cheese on my strawberries or because there's 16g of fat in my main meal. for fuck's sake! 16g! i am thoroughly sick of it.

and, you know, if a diamond ring can't motivate me then what can?
i'm bound to be fat forever.