three days to go...

...and i can weight myself! i really really want to weigh myself but i'm not going to. it's terrible, i know, why am i so obsessed with weighing myself? it's ridiculous. i have this little talk with myself in my head, it goes like this:

'maybe i could weigh myself just once?'
-'no you can't!'
'just one little weigh in'
-'no!'
'no one would know!'
-'no!'
'i'd pretend it never happened...'
-'no!'

so far, the 'no!' part of my brain is winning. i'm just hoping i'll have a loss on monday and will be pleasantly surprised. then i can tell myself it was worth it.

once a week

i made a few posters yesterday to help me with staying motivated. one of them has a picture of me at my fattest and a skinny picture. it says 'you don't have to be fat! choose pretty, healthy and slim! you can do it!' and 'only 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 kilos to go! go go go!' - i'll cross off the kilos as i lose them. another one has a countdown to my birthday on it and i'm crossing out a day every day. it makes me realise that although i have to work hard, it's not such a long time to go and with each cross i'm closer to the goal. i know i'll have to be good once i reach my goal weight because obviously i don't want to put it all back on, but i think it won't be as hard as losing. and by that time, i'm hoping, eating well and exercise will be my second nature.

i've also decided to try and weigh myself only once a week. up til now i weighed several times a day. doing this can be rather demotivating because if i saw a loss, i'd say to myself 'ok, you've done your bit for this week, you can go and stuff your face now' and if there wasn't a loss, i'd think 'the scales are not moving. not much you can do. go stuff your face now.' so i'm going to wait until monday before i weigh myself. i'm hoping for a nice surprise!

i got 'injured' at my tango class yesterday. i was dancing with a lady, i stopped, she didn't. she stepped on my feet and managed to badly break one of my toenails. it bled. it still hurts now when i put weight on it so it's a bit annoying. i'm considering buying closed toe shoes. in case something like that happens again. but first i'd have to find some without suede sole!

i will be thin!

so. i ate shit for a week. i put on 0.9 kg. i weigh 65.1 kg.

i had this fabulous idea to drink only juice for weeks. but mark kept bugging me 'what about that model who died?' and i had visions of myself not losing any weight because my metabolism would slow right down. so i decided to go back to the weightwatchers point plan. i know i've been there before but i also know that it worked for me when i did it properly. this time i'm going to do it properly.

*i'm going to stay within my points allowance
*i'm not going to cheat (because i'd only cheat myself, right?)
*i'm going to choose whole foods
*i'm going to exercise
*i'm going to drink water

that's what i'm going to do. i've already asked mark to put a new battery into my pedometer and i'm planning on walking around the trafford centre in the evenings (until it gets warm, then i can walk outside). i'm also thinking i could go to the gym for an hour in the evening, but i'm not sure about that, i really want to spend time at home when mark's home too. we'll see.

i know i won't wear any fishnets for my chemical romance gig. i'm annoyed. with myself. it's four weeks away. i could lose two kilos by then. that's not a lot. i'll be one of the fat girls that go to gigs full of thin people wearing super skinny jeans. oh well. i'm going there for the music anyway (but it would have been nice to have nice clothes on!)

i have another deadline. i'm going to slovakia at the end of april. just for a week. it's nine and a half weeks away. so if i lost 0.5 kg every week from now on, i'd be just over sixty when i go. that wouldn't be too bad. i'll have to really try. i really want it so much, i want to be thin most of all and i'm doing everything wrong!

i need to get it into my head that i need to be good, week after week, to achieve results. not just be good for a week and then give up! for some reason, i have this new found determination at the moment and i'm hoping it will last forever. i don't want to be fat until i die, living in one pair of jeans and two t-shirts, not wanting to buy any new clothes because 'i'm gonna lose weight' but never do. i'm going to kick fat's arse and get thin!

ill

sorry about the lack of posts, i haven't realised it's been so long.

the perfect week ended with a 0.8 kg loss. i was a bit disappointed because it's not a lot, really, but i've decided it's going in the right direction and i should be happy with that.

mark has infected me with his 'man flu' and although mine's nowhere near as bad as his, i'm completely thrown. i crave shit food and i have it. i tell myself - you're ill, you need to eat crap - and i do. i don't eat anything else though so i'm not really putting any weight on! all i'm worried about is that i continue to eat like this even when i get better. don't let me!

another day

imagine this was posted on friday, not on saturday because really, it's ten past midnight so it's really still yesterday. at least to me it is.

today's (or yesterday, whichever way you want to look at it) been another good day. i ate well and i did my bodyband pilates too! it was too cold to do any exercise during the day but the house warmed up in the evening so i made myself workout at half ten in the evening! it was very good although i don't remember it being such a hard work from the time before. this time i actually did it right though, with my stomach pulling in at all times. it's a good workout!

i had strawberries for the first time this year i think and they were lovely! shame i don't have any for tomorrow.

only two more days and it's my weigh in. i'm really hoping for a good loss. so far this week i've exercised for at least half an hour every day and i'm dead on points.

i can do this!

six weeks

i have great news! i'm actually sore after yesterday's exercise. this doesn't happen very often, i really have to bust my balls to get sore. but it seems that half an hour of calm pilates with bodyband does the trick! i'm very pleased i must say.

today i've realised it's only six weeks to go until the my chemical romance gig. now, you can laugh at me but for some reason i want to emofy myself for the gig. buy some nice emo clothes (and they do exist), do the make up. the thing is, all the emo clothes are made with thin people in mind. i know they sell bigger sizes but they just look ridiculous and i don't want to look ridiculous. so, what i need to do is lose weight. i know i'm doing that anyway, but i need to try harder. if i try hard, i could possibly lose six kilos until then. that would put me in the 50's. i wouldn't be able to wear a short skirt but maybe a longish dress or a nice top or something like that? i don't know. i'd have to see what they've got in affleck's. for some reason i really want to wear fishnets. i've never worn fishnets in my life.
however, losing a kilo a week is not an easy thing to do. i need to be organised and i need to be really good. i need to devise a plan. i'm good at devising plans (albeit not so good when it comes to executing them). here's a go:


the emo plan

• stay within points allowance


• exercise for an hour five days a week: pilates, yoga, weights, anything


• go to the gym twice a week for cardiovascular exercise


• drink drink drink (water)


• walk walk walk


• do 100 sit-ups before breakfast

right, that's all i can think of at the moment. emofied me, here i come!

pilates

my tango class was cancelled yesterday. altogether. not enough people for the intermediate class :( bugger. however, my teacher suggested i come to the beginner's class and dance as a man since they don't have enough male dancers. i'm going to try to do that. i won't stop dancing, it's exercise and hopefully enough people from the new beginner's class will want to continue. i danced for about half an hour yesterday though.

i went to john lewis and bought the bodyband. i decided to buy a set rather than a single one. it contains three bodybands in three different strength and a dvd. i watched the dvd last night and it seemed really good, the dvd is shot very well. the programme is about 36 minutes long which is perfect for me. not too long but not too short either. i gave it a go today and i really enjoyed it. the bodyband kit is made by gaiam and they do lots of other videos and dvd's. i think i'll be definitely getting some more since this one is so well made.

it's the third day of the perfect week and i have completed one part of the challenge - exercise at least three times a week for at least thirty minutes. i've done three times. i know it says 'at least three times' so i'll have to try and do some more exercise. but if i don't, the exercise box is still checked! yay!

day one - success!

i have survived day one of the perfect week. all my meals were prepared from core foods and i had a treat too - chocolate chip shortbread from marks and spencer worth two and a half points. this is good, i'm allowed twenty-one points a week so if i use three points every day, i'll be fine. i did my exercise too - i walked around the trafford centre and asda for about an hour.

i also bought two pilates dvd's yesterday. i watched one last night, it looks quite good - very similar to the pilates classes i used to go to in the gym - but i need to get a rubber band. that's today's mission. i've seen them in john lewis. i'm not sure whether i should buy a set - three bands of different strength - or just one medium. i think it will depend on the price.

we finally bought a ceiling lamp yesterday and it's very nice. i really like it. mark was worried that it's a bit arty farty but he likes it now. i'm glad. all we need now is a wall lamp and we're done. yay!

and the week starts now

i blogged before about considering attempting a perfect week. well, i'm doing it. today, tomorrow, until sunday. i'm a bit worried, what if i can't manage it? actually, i've messed up already - i didn't have the chinese tea after lunch (which was ryvita with extra light philadelphia and cucumber). however, i think i'm going to change the rules slightly so there's only weightwatchers involved. yes, i'd like to eat all the pills and tea but if i don't i'll feel like i failed the perfect week and will probably turn to chocolate. so the rules for the perfect week are:

1/stay within the points allowance
2/exercise for at least 30 minutes at least three times this week

and that's it. you see, now i think it's completely doable. today, i'm going to walk about for a fair amount of time, i need to stock up on (good) food and i need to have a look at lamps (yet again!). tomorrow, i'm going to dance tango for an hour and a half. i'd like to do some yoga later in the week too.

mark has also promised me a fiver for every good week (good = stayed within the points allowance). these fivers will go towards pens which i want to buy. i can't buy any more pens even though i still have some money left from christmas and the rewards because i bought three pens in the past month. even i can see that this is a bit excessive. but i've seen this beautiful waterman fountain pen and it's only thirty pounds and i still don't have a pen with red ink! can you feel my pain?

also, it was my weigh in day today. exactly the same as last week - 65 kg. at least i didn't gain.