it's working!

i've lost a kilo! a full kilo! i now weight 64 kilos and i feel positive. i wish i'd lose a kilo every week, that would be wicked, wouldn't it? i'd be thin in two months and a week! i'd like that. i'm going to slovakia in seven weeks. if i could lose seven kilos... probably not gonna happen but i can dream!
to be realistic, if i lost half a kilo every week, i'd be almost in the fifties by the time i go and that would be good too. not as good but good still.

there are a few challenges, eating wise, at the moment. i've started taking the pill which usually makes me so hungry i'd eat a horse (i wouldn't, but you know what i mean) but so far this has not happened. i'm seeing my shrink this week and i think he's going to change my meds. new meds almost always want to make me eat before i get used to them so we'll see. but, i've said this before, i'm not going to let medicine dictate my weight, especially because that's why i got fat in the first place. so i'll take each day as it comes and monitor my hunger levels and keep tracking.

i can't wait to go down a jeans size. i know i have to wait for a while, but it will be size 10!

i'm a binger

i lost it at the weekend and binged. on anything and everything. as a result, i gained. i weighed in at 65 kg on monday and i was pissed off with myself. i was doing so well! anyway, i can either beat myself up about it and stuff my face with cookies for comfort while i'm bitching at myself or i can start fresh. guess which one i'm doing? judging by the tin next to my bed... just kidding! ;)
i've started fresh and had a very good day yesterday. i made watercress soup - all organic (apart from the oil and stock cube) and it was lovely. i also had a chocolate bar, but it was within the points and i even managed to bank two points. i didn't do any exercise though but that's going to be rectified today when i'm going to dance tango for two hours. i'm also planning to go to the gym on wednesday night, just for an hour or so to do cardio. that is yet to be seen whether i'll actually go but my intentions are good. seriously.

weightwatchers have this spring challenge on their website. you are supposed to set yourself goals the first week. these are mine:

my daily success behaviour this week will be: stay within points allowance
my goal for this week is: lose 0.5 kg
my goal for this month is: to have four losses of/grater than 0.5 kg

i will do my best this week and see what it brings me.

is everyone else obsessed with jeff buckley or is it just me?

i lost!

i lost 0.4 kg last week and now weigh 64.7 kg. it's not great, but it's in the right direction and i'm hoping to do better this week. i was really good last week, staying within points and walking a lot.

we went to london on monday because mark played a gig, supporting inme. i made sandwiches and took diet crisps with me but after the gig i was so hungry and the car keys were in mark's guitar case and we couldn't really get to that for a while so i bought egg and cress sandwiches (no mayo). ate that. were nice. just as well because we couldn't find the sandwiches i made in the morning or the crsps. we stopped at a petrol station on the way home and i bought
1/mini jaffa cakes
2/dipped flake
3/mccoy's salt and vinegar crisps
and ate quite a lot of it. the next day i was so dead i desperately needed carbs so that's what i ate, but i stayed pretty much within points although i didn't count. i started being really good yesterday and i'm going to be good from now on. it's really bizarre how much a little trip threw me. lack of sleep, standing around a lot. weird.

i'm going to do some more walking tonight and do some shopping at the same time.

three days to go...

...and i can weight myself! i really really want to weigh myself but i'm not going to. it's terrible, i know, why am i so obsessed with weighing myself? it's ridiculous. i have this little talk with myself in my head, it goes like this:

'maybe i could weigh myself just once?'
-'no you can't!'
'just one little weigh in'
-'no!'
'no one would know!'
-'no!'
'i'd pretend it never happened...'
-'no!'

so far, the 'no!' part of my brain is winning. i'm just hoping i'll have a loss on monday and will be pleasantly surprised. then i can tell myself it was worth it.

once a week

i made a few posters yesterday to help me with staying motivated. one of them has a picture of me at my fattest and a skinny picture. it says 'you don't have to be fat! choose pretty, healthy and slim! you can do it!' and 'only 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 kilos to go! go go go!' - i'll cross off the kilos as i lose them. another one has a countdown to my birthday on it and i'm crossing out a day every day. it makes me realise that although i have to work hard, it's not such a long time to go and with each cross i'm closer to the goal. i know i'll have to be good once i reach my goal weight because obviously i don't want to put it all back on, but i think it won't be as hard as losing. and by that time, i'm hoping, eating well and exercise will be my second nature.

i've also decided to try and weigh myself only once a week. up til now i weighed several times a day. doing this can be rather demotivating because if i saw a loss, i'd say to myself 'ok, you've done your bit for this week, you can go and stuff your face now' and if there wasn't a loss, i'd think 'the scales are not moving. not much you can do. go stuff your face now.' so i'm going to wait until monday before i weigh myself. i'm hoping for a nice surprise!

i got 'injured' at my tango class yesterday. i was dancing with a lady, i stopped, she didn't. she stepped on my feet and managed to badly break one of my toenails. it bled. it still hurts now when i put weight on it so it's a bit annoying. i'm considering buying closed toe shoes. in case something like that happens again. but first i'd have to find some without suede sole!

i will be thin!

so. i ate shit for a week. i put on 0.9 kg. i weigh 65.1 kg.

i had this fabulous idea to drink only juice for weeks. but mark kept bugging me 'what about that model who died?' and i had visions of myself not losing any weight because my metabolism would slow right down. so i decided to go back to the weightwatchers point plan. i know i've been there before but i also know that it worked for me when i did it properly. this time i'm going to do it properly.

*i'm going to stay within my points allowance
*i'm not going to cheat (because i'd only cheat myself, right?)
*i'm going to choose whole foods
*i'm going to exercise
*i'm going to drink water

that's what i'm going to do. i've already asked mark to put a new battery into my pedometer and i'm planning on walking around the trafford centre in the evenings (until it gets warm, then i can walk outside). i'm also thinking i could go to the gym for an hour in the evening, but i'm not sure about that, i really want to spend time at home when mark's home too. we'll see.

i know i won't wear any fishnets for my chemical romance gig. i'm annoyed. with myself. it's four weeks away. i could lose two kilos by then. that's not a lot. i'll be one of the fat girls that go to gigs full of thin people wearing super skinny jeans. oh well. i'm going there for the music anyway (but it would have been nice to have nice clothes on!)

i have another deadline. i'm going to slovakia at the end of april. just for a week. it's nine and a half weeks away. so if i lost 0.5 kg every week from now on, i'd be just over sixty when i go. that wouldn't be too bad. i'll have to really try. i really want it so much, i want to be thin most of all and i'm doing everything wrong!

i need to get it into my head that i need to be good, week after week, to achieve results. not just be good for a week and then give up! for some reason, i have this new found determination at the moment and i'm hoping it will last forever. i don't want to be fat until i die, living in one pair of jeans and two t-shirts, not wanting to buy any new clothes because 'i'm gonna lose weight' but never do. i'm going to kick fat's arse and get thin!

ill

sorry about the lack of posts, i haven't realised it's been so long.

the perfect week ended with a 0.8 kg loss. i was a bit disappointed because it's not a lot, really, but i've decided it's going in the right direction and i should be happy with that.

mark has infected me with his 'man flu' and although mine's nowhere near as bad as his, i'm completely thrown. i crave shit food and i have it. i tell myself - you're ill, you need to eat crap - and i do. i don't eat anything else though so i'm not really putting any weight on! all i'm worried about is that i continue to eat like this even when i get better. don't let me!