and the ring is gone
so, i went to the trafford centre last night to look at bags - i've recently found out that guess bags are synthetic and they have them in selfridges - but the one i liked didn't have a top zip :( so i'm bagless. well, not bagless bagless, i still have the old bag. i walked around a little, went to marks and spencer, bought a sandwich and a dessert for mark. i was looking at clothes in other shops and got all upset because i could just see my stomach sticking out in them or my armpit flab showing or my fat arms showing or my fat legs showing. there aren't any clothes that would fit me nicely.
so i decided that when i come home, i'll have the dessert and stop having red foods after that altogether. some kind of last supper. the plan backfired however, when mark came home and saw the empty pot with a spoon, he said 'that's your ring gone'.
i don't quite understand why is that when we agreed that no foods are forbidden and all i need to do is think twice before i have a red food. but, i haven't found a ring that i liked and we can't afford it anyway so... and, i don't want to argue. i don't even want to talk about it. i'm sick of the whole diet thing. i'm sick of having to watch what i eat, how much i eat and feeling guilty constantly because i've had too much cheese on my strawberries or because there's 16g of fat in my main meal. for fuck's sake! 16g! i am thoroughly sick of it.
and, you know, if a diamond ring can't motivate me then what can?
i'm bound to be fat forever.
so i decided that when i come home, i'll have the dessert and stop having red foods after that altogether. some kind of last supper. the plan backfired however, when mark came home and saw the empty pot with a spoon, he said 'that's your ring gone'.
i don't quite understand why is that when we agreed that no foods are forbidden and all i need to do is think twice before i have a red food. but, i haven't found a ring that i liked and we can't afford it anyway so... and, i don't want to argue. i don't even want to talk about it. i'm sick of the whole diet thing. i'm sick of having to watch what i eat, how much i eat and feeling guilty constantly because i've had too much cheese on my strawberries or because there's 16g of fat in my main meal. for fuck's sake! 16g! i am thoroughly sick of it.
and, you know, if a diamond ring can't motivate me then what can?
i'm bound to be fat forever.
posted by dianka at 1:48 pm
1 Comments:
Oh dear, I'm really sorry to read you've had a set back. I've been reading your blog on and off for a few months but haven't commented before, so I hope this doesn't come across as being stalker-ish. However, I have been wanting to post a comment for a while, so here goes...
I think you're being very very hard on yourself, and you seem to be yo-yoing between extremes. Some days you seem to eat virtually nothing (a couple of yoghurts and some bread) and other days you go a bit overboard. But no wonder, given how you've restricted yourself on other days - you must be starving! I know I would be - sometimes your entire days intake is roughly what I'd have for one meal.
Also, looking at the sort of things you eat, you seem to go in for highly processed and sugary things rather than the nutritious basics - veggies, fruit, wholegrains, nuts. Sorry, I probably sound like I'm preaching, and I really don't mean it that way. No doubt you know all this stuff already - and look how well you've done so far!
Don't give up - but maybe think about eating well and only a little less than you need rather than a lot less. After all - once you've reached your goal weight you want to keep eating in a way that maintains that weight, right? It'd make it so much easier if you started eating that way now... then it'll be second nature! Good luck!
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